They were just kids. And a mad man entered, just before Christmas, with an arsenal of guns, and he killed them. Well, at least some of them. And, their beloved principal, and their school psychologist and teachers, who died trying to protect them.

I am flip-flopping between crying and being unbelievably angry. Between feeling antsy and helpless and like I could literally throw up. I am nauseous, I am weepy, I am so very, very sad.

And, as is my way, I am thinking. I am again going back to my karma is bullshit theory. What did these children do to deserve what happened to them? The pain and grief that has only just started to hit these poor people, will not be limited to the parents but, will expand outward exponentially.

I am thinking, what kind of world do we live in that something like this could happen? I watch my president crying, kids no older than nine being interviewed on television. My ten-year old doesn’t know what to say. He is trying to talk to me but, I can see him struggling with the questions to ask. It is so beyond the scope of anything I can imagine, how can I expect him to? My older child is avoiding, which is what teenagers tend to do. We have told him that we are here for him, to talk, if he needs to. I hope they don’t have bad dreams tonight.

I can’t help thinking about the wrapped Christmas presents. The presents that those poor parents bought, probably just a week or two ago, and probably have either wrapped by now or have been stressing about wrapping  before next week. I don’t know why. I just keep thinking about those presents.

I wonder why we fight so hard to stay alive when this is the world we live in? I wonder why our every instinct is to stay on this earth, when things like this seem to be happening with frightening regularity? I wonder and wonder.

But, I know the answer. As I sit here and watch the news, and see the stories coming out as the day goes on. I know as I see the teacher who saw two children out in the hallway and risked her own life to open her classroom door and pull them in to save them. I know as I see pictures of the little kids hugging and comforting each other. I know as I see the President cry and the police running into the school, with looks of determination of their faces, to save as many of those babies as they possibly can. I know when I see the picture of the principal, a beautiful young woman, with five kids of her own at home, who was sitting in a meeting when she heard the shots and, instead of crawling under a desk, ran out to help her “other” kids, her students.

I know when I see the thousands of people at the vigil in the neighborhood church tonight. When a teacher interviewed says that she told her kids, even though she was certain that they would die, that they would be ok and that they were so very loved, lest that be the very last thing they ever heard in their lives. She held it together for the sake of her students.

I am so very sad but, as is often the case with me, I am trying to look for any glimmer of hope (a recurring theme on this blog, as my faithful readers know) and I am not disappointed tonight. Although I can never even imagine the pain, the heartbreak and the devastation that those who lost loved ones in this tragedy will have to endure in the coming days, weeks and years, I already see the spirit of the people in that town. They will help their neighbors, their friends. They will shower them with love, they will watch their surviving children, they will cook for them, they will hug them, they will attempt to help them get through this, at any cost.

And that, my friends, is what we have to try, try, try to focus on. The good in the human spirit.

Please do not focus on the evil and misguided actions of the shooter.

It is normal for us to mourn. It is normal for us to be angry and sad. I am. I will be for quite some time.

But it is important to remember that God has already welcomed all of those little angels into heaven, and has thanked and guided the heroes of today in, as well.

If today teaches us anything, it is once again the lesson that life is a very, very fragile condition.  Please remember to try to see the best in people, to remember to count your blessings every single day, and to hug your loved ones often, with passion, and with a love so big it can crush you.

May God Bless and Keep all who perished today.