It’s so funny the way that my experiences have a way of sneaking up on me when I least expect them to. There is a new song by “The Band Perry” called “If I Die Young”. It’s a really pretty, if somewhat maudlin, song. Anyway, I was enjoying a ride in my convertible, it was a beautiful night and I was really liking the melody. Being musical, I am able to pretty much sing the chorus after hearing it once and then, the line “The sharp knife of a short life, well I’ve had just enough time” and I am crying in my car.

I wonder if it will ever go away, the fear that lies just underneath the surface?  It has been nine years now, without recurrence (knock on wood, please) and, although it is easier as it is not always at the front of my consciousness, it is clearly still there and able to affect me deeply.

I don’t want to die young. I haven’t had enough time. I have too much living yet to do. I don’t want my kids to have no mother, or my husband to be a widow. I can’t imagine my parents and my sisters and the pain that they would go through. I don’t know that they could bear it. I don’t think that they could bear it.

My wish, always, is that I can come to a place that is peaceful after having gone through these crazy years of uncertainty, pain and fearfulness. I don’t know. The last surgery was October but, then, that nasty infection got me in April and lasted until the end of July. Antibiotics, thrush, lovely……

So, I start over. I give myself a new date of NOW for starting my life without all of this crap.  Try to think of it as if I just got delayed by a few months. Ok, so, October was supposed to be the beginning of the new, healthy, life and now it is August.

And, I did have a wonderful summer, which is what screws my head up even more. When will I heal? Why can a song lyric bring me so easily to tears?

I had a great time last night with old friends. I laughed a lot. Am I crazy that I go from happiness to dread so quickly and without warning?

People often tell me that I have a “great attitude”. Do I really or is it a façade? Am I genuine?

People also tell me that I am strong. Am I? Or am I just in denial? Am I just pretending that everything is ok so that I don’t have to face the fact that I might not be?

I am pissed that that song made me cry. By projecting strength, I feel powerful. Feeling powerful helps me to feel like I can continue to triumph over the blows I am dealt. When I feel weak, I feel vulnerable. I am scared. I feel alone . I am a child.

I have to remember is that such is life. I will take some steps forward but, invariably they will be followed by some backward steps. I am not perfect. I am not invincible. I am human.

So, I will not listen to the song, as pretty as it might be. I will listen to another new song that I heard the other day that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to convey here, what my attitude is in order for me to stay strong and brave. I smiled when I listened to this one.

Here are some of the lyrics:

“I don’t know if I’ll make it but watch how good I’ll fake it
  It’s all right, all right, tonight, tonight”

In faking it, I am defeating it. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!