Someone died a couple of weeks ago. He was here, working and living his life, and then he wasn’t. I had spoken to him about a month ago, and just gotten an e-mail from him a few days before he passed. I had no idea that he would die.  I mean, I knew one day it would happen but, not that day.

It messed me up. He was someone who I had gotten closer to recently, when he was diagnosed with cancer.  I knew him through work and had always liked him but, didn’t know all that much about his personal life; his likes, dislikes, what his home looked like, what kind of music he liked. I knew just that he was married and had children and we were in the same industry.

When he told me that he had cancer, I tried to help. I told him that he would get through it, that he would come out “on the other side”. His treatments were especially brutal, and I know that he was exhausted and emotionally drained. His sister actually wrote a comment on this very blog while he was having his last treatment. She was kind enough to tell me that my blog had helped to give him a “boost’ before treatment.

He was diagnosed in September. That was in January. His last treatment, he wrote to me in an e-mail. He was so excited and I could picture the smile on his face.

He e-mailed me in March that his scans looked good.  He had a follow-up scan scheduled for May but, he was positive. He thought he had beaten this thing.

And then, I got the word a couple of weeks ago that he passed. I had no clue. Again, I had gotten an e-mail from him a few days before and he did not mention that he was sick. I found out later that the cancer had, indeed, come back and that he had undergone more horrendous treatment, only to get an infection and pass away.

And, so, I don’t know how to feel. I cried. I got scared. If his could come back, so could mine, right? I felt guilty for even thinking about myself when it was someone else who died. I felt that thing they call “survivor’s guilt” – why did he die while I got to live? Being honest, and that is what I am here, for better or for worse, I think that’s bullshit. I don’t feel guilty that I lived. I feel extremely blessed and grateful and in awe and other feelings that I don’t even know how to put into words.  And, I felt extreme sadness for his wife and for his kids and for his friends. And, I felt angry when I heard someone say he “lost his battle” with cancer. That’s bullshit, too! I refuse to give that horrible black hole of a disease any sort of victory.

I was glad, though, that he read my blog and it made him feel good and hopeful. I was glad that every time we spoke I asked him how he was and told he to hang in there and to stay positive and to not give up. I hope that he enjoyed the “space between” his good scan and his crappy one, even though that time was short. I hope that he hugged his wife more and told his kids more often that he loved them.

I hope you do the same, even if you are healthy as a horse.  ESPECIALLY if you are healthy as a horse.

Someone died a couple of weeks ago. I’ll miss him. I hope he is not hurting anymore.

And, life goes on……..