I made a pact with myself to be honest in this blog. Although I try to write when I am feeling inspirational and I generally try to write about things that could possibly help people, this blog is not that.  It annoys me when I read other people’s blogs (or fb status updates for that matter) and they are just ALWAYS happy, ALWAYS positive, ALWAYS up. I don’t buy it.

Everyone has bad days and I’m having a bad week, friends….

I am sitting here crying and am so frustrated.

I know that I should be so grateful to be here and I really am but, I’m also so frustrated by my inability to stop sweating what, in relative terms, is small stuff.

Just this week, I was worried about something medical (what else is new) but, that turned out to be ok. I was worried about a friend but, she turned out to be ok. I am frustrated by someone who I love who is unable to love me back or treat me or my family with the respect and love that we deserve. The kids are driving me crazy, work is stressful and hectic and my dad has been sick.

Tax time sucks this year. I am so over being penalized because I work super hard and make a nice living. I feel resentful of people who abuse the system and cause everyone else’s taxes to skyrocket. I probably could have been on disability since 2002 and yet, I get up and go to work every day. After surgery I work from home.

I am feeling overwhelmed, overworked and completely stressed out.

I am hurting big time because of this God awful weather and am trying to get by without having to resort to my pain pills.

I started a running/walking program and, have been unable to really get into it because of the constant cold and rainy weather.

I am frustrated because I am not as able as I used to be to shrug things off. I feel like now, it takes all of my energy just to deal with the issues I face being a survivor and anything else piled on just feels like it weighs me down until I am almost laid out on the floor.

There is not enough time in the day to do everything I have to do. Sometimes, I feel like a mouse on a wheel……

I don’t have as much patience as I should with my husband or my kids. I struggle to leave my work stress at work and I am constantly battling against my OCD. Does it really make a difference if there is a dish in the sink when I go to sleep? Or that the closet door is open a crack? Would the world end if the kids beds were unmade before school? No one is even home all day?

And, for any type of survivor, for anyone who has made it through a life threatening situation and is alright, feeling the way I am feeling right now produces guilt, as well. It’s like women who have postpartum depression or even the “baby blues”. You feel so guilty that you are sad because you have this beautiful infant who you wanted and prayed for. You feel like an ingrate.

So, on top of all of the other stresses and sadness and frustration, I am feeling guilty. I am ready to just lay with my dog and give it up to God tonight.

Tomorrow is another day…….